GROCERY SHOPPING BLUES


By JENNY TALIA & KEVIN BLOODY WILSON
BOTH BARRELS MUSIC

Woke up this morning

Dreading what’s headed my way

Got a list of things to do

And a list of things I’ve got to buy today

Got the down town – run around

Gotta do the grocery shopping blues

Done two laps of the car park

Can’t find a space

Fuck it, I;ll just park in the handicapped bay

I’m a woman on a mission

Got a lot of shopping I’ve got to do

Got the down town – don’t mess around

Gotta do the grocery shopping blues

Anyone who’s ever shopped

Knows just how it feels

Got the fucking trolley with the wonkiest wheel

And it’s pulling to the left

Lookout you lot – crazy lady coming through

Got the down town – wonky wheel

Fuck the trolley grocery shopping blues

Toilet paper, paper towels, toothpaste, pack of tissues

Washing powder, bleach ‘n’ soap, rubber gloves to do the dishes

Flea powder, kitty litter, bird seed to feed the budgie

Milk, cheese, eggs, bread, orange juice and low fat yogurt

Trolley’s nearly full

Haven’t even got to aisle two

Got the down town – run around

Got to do the grocery shopping blues

Some kid chucking a tantrum

Can’t stop me cart

Done his mum a favour

And ran over the bastard

Blame it on the trolley

Steers itself, nothing I could do

Got the down town – serves him right

Mongrel kid grocery shopping blues

Trolley steered me here

Now I’m in the fruit and veggie section

Squeezing, sniffing, poking, prodding

Help me make the right selection

Oranges and mandarins, peaches plums and nectarines

Sweet potato, cauliflower, carrots, corn and broccoli

Husband’s out of town

Better grab a cucumber too

Got the down town – run around

Got to do the grocery shopping blues

Pyramid of watermelons

Pried one loose

Now I’m up to me arse in fucking watermelon juice

Some arsehole on the intercom screaming

Clean up in aisle two

Got the down town – their fault

Should stacked them better

Grocery shopping blues

Rushed to the checkout

I’m all outta breath

I find I’m on the line for 10 items or less

Shit! Try and turn this cart around

And join another fucking queue

Got the down town – stuff me round

Wear me out

Grocery shopping blues

Finally it’s my turn to face the

Pimply checkout chick

Braces on her teeth and whopping

Purple hickey on her neck

Still training and complaining

That she really needs someone to guide her

Now she’s on the intercom

Calling for her supervisor

Price check KY gel

Jumbo sized tube

Got the down ton – embarrassed now

I’m outta here

Grocery shopping blues

Looking for me car

Find an empty space

Just in time to see the bastards

Towing it away

Phone rings, bags split

Eggs and shit oozing through me shoes

Got the down town – I’m done now

Until next week

Grocery shopping blues

Got the down town – can I go now?
Fuck the grocery shopping blues

NICE GIRLS


By JENNY TALIA & KEVIN BLOODY WILSON
BOTH BARRELS MUSIC

I went to a convent school

Of the blessed virgin nuns

Where they tried to do their very best

To teach me right from wrong

What nice girls should and shouldn’t do

And how a lady should behave

Those poor nuns would shit ‘emselves

If they saw me today

(they taught me)

Nice girls act lady like

And watch their P’s & Q’s

Nice girls think of others first

In everything they do

Nice girls do proper stuff

And obey their Dad and Mum

I may not be a nice girl

But at least I’m having fun

When nice girls get temptef

They pray to God for help

But lead me not into temptation

I can find it by myself

Nice girls go to church

And say their prayers at night

But when I’m on my knees at bedtime

It’s more like, “Jesus Christ

I may not be a nice girl

But I’m out there having fun

Nice girls never fart

The ‘pfffft’ or they refrain

And a nice girl always leaves the room

To let fluffy off the chain

I’m rather fart and let ‘er rip

And share it with me mates

And if I’ve got a G-string on

‘brrrrrr’ – how’s that heh?

I may not be a nice girl

But I’m out there having fun

Nice girls wear twin set tops

And sensible comfy shoes

Not mini skirts and fishnet stockings

And follow-me fuck-me boots

Nice girls stay pure and sweet

Until their wedding night

I’d rather try before I buy

So form a queue off to me right

Nice girls act lady like

And watch their P’s & Q’s

Nice girls think of others first

In everything they do

Nice girls do proper stuff

And obey their Dad and Mum

I may not be a nice girl

But I’m out there having fun

And it that’s the stuff that nice girls do

SHOVE IT UP YA BUM!

10 THINGS


By JENNY TALIA & KEVIN BLOODY WILSON
BOTH BARRELS MUSIC

I got a list, I got to give

Any intended spouse

He’s got to read and then agree

Before he takes me out

10 things I’ve written down

10 things he needs to know

10 things I’ll never say

Before or after our wedding day

10 things you’ll never hear me say

Number 10

Don’t worry about our anniversary – you just go play golf

Number 9

Stand back when you piss, if you miss doesn’t matter

I’ll wipe it all off

Number 8

What’s that you didn’t get the raise?

Of course I’ll sleep with your boss

10 things you’ll never hear me say

Number 7

Threesome, why didn’t I think of that? I’ll just phone a friend

Number 6

I love your breath when you’re hungover – ooh tongue kiss me again

Number 5

I’m bored – let’s shave my mutt and see how that looks then

10 things you’ll never hear me say

10 Things I’ve written down

10 things he needs to know

10 things I’ll never say

Before or after our wedding day

10 things you’ll never hear me say

Number 4

I love it when you fart like that – I think you touched cotton – genius!

Number 3

Lets make a home video so all your friends can see us

Number 2

This diamond’s way too big, just like your penis

10 things, you’ll never hear me say

So that leaves one more thing – I’ll never say

I’ve saved this one for last – you’ll never get your way

You can plead, you can grovel, you can cry you can beg

Number 1

I know it’s really tight back there but just spit on it and try again

That’s one thing you’ll never hear me say – no way

Yeah, there’s the 10 things you’ll never hear me say – ok?

Year there’s the 10 things you’ll never hear me say