THE BLONDE SONG

By JENNY TALIA
BOTH BARRELS MUSIC

I don’t ride wild horses any more

Nearly killed myself the last time that I did

‘Til the man ran from the store and to my rescue

Unplugged the power and said that horses ride’s just for kids

Got an F for sex on my drivers license

And VW’s the only car that I can spell

And I’ve learned to figure out what day it is each mornin’

By the colour of my birth control pills

And I don’t care if people say I’m stupid or I’m dumb

I’m just blonde

Don’t need excuses I’m just blonde

They say brunettes and redheads are smarter

But there’s more to being blonde than you might think

And while I’ve never learned the recipe for ice cubes

I don’t believe I’ve ever paid for drinks

My boss said don’t put postage stamps on emails

And paint white-out on mistakes on the PC screen

And he asked me not bother takin’ lunch breaks any more

He said it takes too long to retrain me again

And I don’t care if people say I’m stupid or I’m dumb

I’m just blonde

Don’t need excuses I’m just blonde

Some say blondes like me are always easy

And we’ll do anything for any man

I’m more fussy and a little more particular than that

Just as long as they all play in the same team

So being blonde didn’t make me mentally retarded

Or easy or offended ‘cause I’m not

And to prove it I’m gonna tell you the best blonde joke that I know

I’d like to…but I forgot

And I don’t care if people say I’m stupid or I’m dumb

I’m just blonde

Don’t need excuses

I’m just blonde

IT WAS OVER (Kev’s Lamet)

By KEVIN BLOODY WILSON
Parody by JENNY TALIA
BOTH BARRELS MUSIC

I remember back on our very first date

In the back seat of your car

You wanted me to go all the way

But I wouldn’t go that far

I wanted you to hold my hand

You wanted me to hold your dick

And when you accidentally brushed my tit

You just blew it and cum in your paints

And it was over

Before it began

I’ll never forget the strain and the sweat

As you fumbled with my gear

A hundred degrees with the windows wound up

So my Mum and Dad couldn’t hear

Tryin’ your best to unzip my dress

And unbuckle my bra with one hand

And just when you thought you were doin’ all right

You cum in your paints again

And it was over

Before it began

Blouses and buttons and bras and buckles

And “Stop it, I’m getting cold”

First time you’d had a tit in your mouth

Since you were nine months old

You had lovers’ balls and I had no idea

Of the pitch of your passion and pain

Tryin’ to stay cool with you knackers on fire

You cum in your paints again…oh, shit…and again

I wouldn’t give and you wouldn’t go

And we couldn’t seem to agree

I got the giggles and you got the shits

Then you wouldn’t talk to me

And when we made up and we started again

My Dad banged on the roof and yelled:

“What are you two kids up to in there?”

And you sit in your pants as well

And it was over

Before it began

You hear people say that they’d love to go back

And do things that they did in the past

But if you reckon they were the real good old days

You can stick ‘em right up your arse!

‘Cause when I look back how you came and you went

With a smile on my face I recall

How you, you had a prick of night

But your undies had a ball

And it was over… Before it began

Things in Hidden Spaces

Parody by JENNY TALIA

Blame it all on the booze

And your shitty mood

For helping me to see the light

We were the last ones to show

And the first ones to go

Cause you got drunk

And we had a fight

And no I didn’t mean

To cause a big scene

When I threw my glass of champagne

Right in you face

Said. “Hey get outta my space!”

Hope I never see you again

‘Cause I’ve got things in hidden spaces

And you’ll never find my hiding places

For my special toys

That bring me joy

‘Cause I’m not big on porno movies

And the other things you like to do

Cause I’ve got things in hidden spaces

Well I guess I was right

When I left you that night

‘Cause I haven’t stopped smiling since then

Got my bag of tricks

Full of dildos and dicks

Who said diamonds are a girl’s best friend?

‘Cause piled under my bed

And stacked back in the shed

I’ve got gadgets that’d make you blush

They get me so high

Bring a tear your eye

Ain’t no man I know – can match that rush

CHORUS

So I’ll be OK

Now you’ve gone away

THE BASTARD SONG

By JENNY TALIA

BOTH BARRELS MUSIC

You hurt me when I found out

What you’d been up to

Sellin’ pictures, on the internet

Of me in the nude

Now you say it’s all over

While you piss yourself laughin’

It may be over for you

But for me it’s just started

My mission in life is to make yours hell…Bastard

There’s just some things you shouldn’t do to a girl…Bastard

And a thing about me you didn’t reckon on

I go from zero to bitch in point eight seconds

‘N you’re about to get a little bit of gravel in your face…

Bastard

Now where should I start, I’ll start with your car…Bastard

You loved that care more than me by far…Bastard

Fill the tank fulla sugar, drain in the oil tank dry

Scratch bastard on the bonnet ‘n slash the tyres

Wankers like you shouldn’t be allowed to drive ….Bastard

And what about all your red neck mates…Bastards

A bunch of chronic masturbators…Bastards

Burpin’, fartin’, drinkin’ beer all day

Wonder what they’re gonna have to say?

When I call ’em all up and tell ‘em you’re gay…Bastard

CHORUS

Now lets talk about penile size…Bastard

Didn’t even touch the sides…Bastard

Told my friends you gotta sit down to pee

Seen bigger peckers on a dead mosquito

And you masturbate with a pair of tweezers…Bastard

So back to me pictures on the internet…Bastard

You’re about as low as a bastard gets…Bastard

Off all those sperm fightin’for life

How come you were the one that survived?

I reckon ya Mum should’ve swallowed that night…Bastard

My mission in life is to make yours hell…Bastard

There’s just some things you shouldn’t do to a girl…Bastard

And sweet revenge is best served cold so always be lookin’

Over your shoulder

Some women get nasty as they get a little older…Bastard

My mission in life is to make yours hell…Bastard

There’s just some things you shouldn’t do to a girl…Bastard

Hell have no fury like a woman driven

So I ain’t forgettin’ and I ain’t forgiven

You must’ve forgot I write songs for a livin’…Bastard

….Bastard